#SeasonalSonnets 2019: 30th December

Hello my lovely readers

Here we are at the penultimate entry of this series, and also my penultimate poem of 2019. So I thought, as a lot of them have been about achievements - and particularly 'bigger' ones like flying and surfing - I'd use today's to write about a 'smaller' one that is in some ways the most significant.

I've had a fear of falling out of bed since I was about ten. It got worse in my mid-teens. It means that my beds at home, and at the universities I've been to, have sides to help me feel safe. It also means that, a little ironically, I feel most secure in sleep when I'm camping, because I'm on the floor. (You might ask, at this point, why I don't just always sleep on the floor - and the answer is that it's a lot of effort for other people to get me there.)

You can imagine that this fear could cause complications on holiday - especially on one where we've been staying in several different places. In fact, I worked out this morning that I've slept in eight beds so far. They haven't had sides, so we've constructed barricades of various kinds from a combination of pillows, chairs and my wheelchair. I haven't always slept through, but that's been more because of discomfort than fear. I haven't always felt completely safe, either - our constructions inevitably aren't as solid as my side at home - but I've coped. And that feels great.

(Featured picture from a while back is me in bed at Hannah and Lynne's, with my snuggle buddy, their rescue cat)

30th December 2019

Today I'm thankful I've had restful sleep,

all whilst I've been in eight (eight!) different beds

and that we have discovered ways to keep

me feeling safe when often I'd be scared.

I'm not entirely sure what sparked this fear

and many people tell me it's irrational;

I know it feels real when it's here

and panic sends me off into a spiral.

There have been times like that during this trip

when my brain was convinced that I might fall

but somehow I've managed to cope with it

and not just sleep, but rest, and dream, and all.

To others it might seem like a 'small' thing -

to me it's the best gift this year could bring.