Sunday sunshine and solemnity

I've been writing poetry today - not for this blog, nor for publication anywhere else (yet!). The only reason I mention it is that I'm not sure where the pieces I've written might fit, because they're very haphazard in their adherence to form or structure or narrative, and that's rather how I feel in myself at the moment. Sitting in the glorious sunshine on the Heath this afternoon, I realised that this summer is pretty much the first time in about five years that I've not had something around which to organise my days, whether that be essay and dissertation writing, classes, workshops and rehearsals to attend, reading for the next phase to study to do - or a broken wheelchair. That's not to say I'm completely idle - I've got plays to watch and books and articles to read in preparation for my PhD (and, as I've documented here, I've even written bits already!) - but there's no pressure. 

It's novel, and lovely (of course), but I must confess I don't quite know what to do. I'm so used to having plans and deadlines that I feel pretty guilty just 'being'. Obviously part of me is aware that that is utterly ridiculous - my mind, but especially my body, was so burnt out that this is exactly what I need. I think, though, that the guilt might actually be more like anxiety - because my busyness up to now has been a way to stop myself from thinking. I don't mean thinking in the academic or intellectual sense (I'll never want to stop doing that) but in the manner of dealing with certain aspects of my physical and mental health, both related and unrelated to my disability. Throwing myself into work at full pelt was, and is, an attempt to quiet some of the chatter and dissonance on my personal playlist (to use a contemporary metaphor) or the whining of my self-esteem's cassette tape as it gets stuck because I don't have a pencil on hand to rewind it (to use a metaphor from my childhood that I much prefer). 

The point of this ramble is that my absence from this blog last week was not so much due to tiredness as to me forcing myself just to stop and to take stock. In all my excitement about my new chair and the freedom it's offered me, I don't think I fully appreciated the impact that the last little while (and the fifteen months leading up to 1st July in particular) has had on my stamina and my ability to function fully (whatever that means). 

So, I stopped.

That's why, even though my chair is sorted, I've not organised all the social things I have been so waiting for. 

Sorry - but I think I'm nearly out of hibernation, so let's make plans. I've missed everyone.