Hello my lovely readers
So, I've submitted my PhD, and had planned to be writing a poem a day from the beginning of this month. That hasn't happened yet...because I didn't bank on quite how exhausted I'd be. Not just intellectually but physically. I've therefore decided to postpone the start of the poetry project until December. I'll be writing Seasonal Sonnets then, anyway; albeit from a summery South Africa.
I would usually be sad about the delay - but this post is to convey the opposite emotion. Because today is World Cerebral Palsy Day. And, if there's one fundamental thing I learnt through all parts of my PhD process, it's that the effects of CP are often surprising. This is true even of my still-upcoming viva (where I have to defend my thesis), because that kind of oral exam is in some ways more accessible to me than six hours sitting beside a scribe. Although public speaking as myself remains terrifying, the energy required to have what is essentially an academic conversation is less than I personally need to maintain focus in a more traditional exam environment.
And that's the point of this post. For me, CP nominally and most obviously results in physical impairments like muscle spasms - but it also affects my sensory processing abilities, my energy, and my sense of self as I exist in the world. Literally. Sometimes it feels as though parts of my body have disappeared.
Whilst I was finishing off my thesis, the level of focus required meant that I locked away some of those other symptoms, causing them to manifest more in tightness of muscles and ligaments than fog or processing issues. Now it's done, I've regained some of the relaxation I've been aiming to maintain over the last few years - but the fog and difficulty with processing has seeped back. Because I'm tired.
But I'm proud, too. I PhDid it. And now I need some time to recuperate before embarking on another project which is similarly ambitious in both scope and length. But that's okay. It's life alongside CP. Without which I wouldn't have written my particular PhD, nor probably have developed such a love of poetry.
So, on that note, happy World CP Day, and love and spoons until December.
Jx
